Double Talking Jive and the Language of Women by Noah Baird

I’ve noticed recently that women have tricked us. I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know how. All I know is they’ve subtly altered the lexicon without anyone noticing. It all started when a woman asked me if I had “ . . . deleted the text or deleted-deleted the text?”.

In case you’ve never met a woman; here’s a decoder ring:

What she says

What she means

Did you delete the text? Did you move the text to the trash folder?g
Did you delete-delete the text? Did you move the text to the trash folder and then empty the trash folder?g

g

This a uniquely feminine way of speaking. Men do not walk around asking each other if they drank the beer, or if they drank-drank the beer. Yet we understand what it means.

After conducting some in-depth analysis (and by “in-depth analysis”, I mean I thought about it while I was in the shower), I concluded there were two ways women double talk.

The first, is to minimize an action.

What she says

What she means

I went shopping. I didn’t go shopping-shopping. She went window shopping. Just a word of caution, this does not mean she did not buy anything. It means she did not purchase anything in excess of an arbitrary amount she considers to be “shopping”. Note: This arbitrary amount varies from model to model.g
I went shopping-shopping. She went shopping.g

g

The second way double talk is used is as an intensifier. In this case, if you hear a woman say the word twice, she is intensifying the meaning. For a man, this is the same thing as saying “really”. For example, she may ask you if you ” . . . love it-love it.”. She’s asking if you really love it.

What she says

What she means
We need to talk. She is going to list, in detail, the things you are doing wrong.g
We need to talk-talk. It’s a long list. Run.

g

The problem occurs with the usual differences in understanding between the sexes, as with the case below:

What she says

What a man understands

Do you like her? Would you sleep with her?g
Do you like her-like her? Would you sleep with her?g
Do you like her-like her-like her? Slow down, psycho! I only want to sleep with her.g

g

Double talk may also be used as a subtle warning. In this case, she’s trying to be nice for your benefit. However, she’s a rattlesnake with a silencer. Extreme caution is advised.

What she says

What she means

I’m so happy your old college roommate is coming to visit.g She hates him.
I’m so happy your old college roommate is coming to visit. I just love him, love him, love him.g She hates him-hates him.

g

If you want to understand-understand a woman, you need to filter-filter or you’ll be in trouble-trouble.

Noah Baird usually does not understand women. He is also the author of Donations to Clarity.

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5 Comments

Filed under blogging, fiction, fun, Humor, life, writing

5 responses to “Double Talking Jive and the Language of Women by Noah Baird

  1. Very funny. Clever observations.

  2. Perhaps the point is that you’ve finally paid attention. I am gratified to know that a man understands anything at all or even that words are penetrating the wall of total silence, i.e., the feedback we receive when we speak to them. Perhaps if men didn’t perceive most of our comments as either annoying or as personal attacks we wouldn’t have to repeat simple nouns or verbs to get their attention. RAWR MEOW!

  3. Delete-delete makes perfect sense to me. Could be why I like-like your blog post.

  4. ha! you’re not just funny, but funny-funny!

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