Yesterday I was interviewed on our local radio station to promote One Too Many Blows To The head. Afterward, I found I couldn’t remember everything I said. So I came home and played the podcast. Ugh.
I’m a Nebraskan. From the time I was born I was trained to speak in the twang that identifies the Midwesterner’s accent. This is never more noticeable to me than when I hear a recording of myself speaking to a non-Midwesterner.
I could go on about this for some time . . . about how we tend to talk completely from our frontal sinuses and don’t lift the soft palate high enough and rarely use our diaphragms to project our voices. But that is rather boring and, what with being snow-bound and all, I want to do as little as possible to bore myself. And the last thing I want to do, dear reader, is bore YOU. So let me say this: if you imagine Cindi Lauper’s voice without the New Jersey flavor, you have Nebraska.
So there you go. Free character study of the Midwest dialect. But not really what I want to talk about today.
As I listened to the recording of myself after yesterday’s interview I got to thinking about how different we Miswesterners are. I’d be lying if I said that the east coast hasn’t been a bit of a culture shock to me after spending a lifetime in farm country. So I’ve struggled to find some common ground—something in Virginia that is the same back home.
Waving is a big thing in Nebraska. Everyone waves at everyone. If you head east on a state highway, you are expected to wave at all west bound travelers. If you are a pedestrian in town and a car passes you, the driver will wave. You will wave back.
However, although Nebraskans wave more often and to everyone, I’ve noticed that the types of waves on both the east coast and in the Midwest are the same. Virginians do, in fact wave. True, they only wave at people they know rather than at everyone, but they do wave. Here are a few waves and their appropriate uses. If you ever write about waving in your work, I do hope you will consult this list.
There’s the finger wave—one finger lifted as a sort of “hello, I see you” gesture usually done by drivers.
The nod—this is a lowering of the chin. It can be confused with the backwards nod (see below) but shouldn’t be. Older men use the nod. Younger men use the backwards nod. The nod is done only once and just before the instant of passing whoever it is you’re waving at.
The backwards nod—a jerk of the chin in an upward motion. This is done by younger guys and is considered way cooler than the regular nod. However, if an older guy does the backward nod, he’s considered an idiot and needs to totally get over himself.
The elbow in the window wave—elbow resting on the window, hand lifted just slightly. This wave is popular with men in rural areas.
The hand flap—Hand is held palm facing out. Fingers are bent downward to the palm repeatedly. It’s best to imagine a grown woman waving like a toddler. Then you’ve got this one down. This is favored by mothers with very young children.
The finger twinkle—used by teachers and daycare workers who are surrounded by young children. In this wave the palm is facing outward and the fingers are rapidly moved up and down in a cascading fashion.
The salute—done by non-military folks who work with military people or done by people who think saluting is cool but really have no idea how it is done.
The flat palm—this is the one I use. Hold the hand up, palm out. Keep it steady. Hold for about 2 or 3 seconds.
The wave—the true wave, hand is palm out and keeping elbow and wrist steady, tilt hand side to side. Very few people actually use the true wave.
Now, go and practice. And by all means, let me know if I’ve missed any!
JB Kohl










